It's well after midnight and I should be sweetly slumbering just like Avery who is lying next to me... so beautifully. But instead, I'm climbing out of my warm little pocket of blankets and finding my notebook - which has already been packed away - and spilling light in to the peaceful room so I can capture my thoughts.
All week long, I've sat down to write... a purposeful moment on the couch, a quiet snippet a the table... but in my cluttered mind I know I am only holding a pen to HAVE written. To be DONE with writing. It is a task I can cross off my spiraling to-do list before we can leave the U.S.
My days are filled, like my suitcases that wait by the pantry door... clumsy and overweight, stretching the seams with a collection of random pieces of our life shoved in a little too tightly.
A pair of pajamas
a set of saucepans
2 skateboards
5 coats
and a hammock.
But in these silent moments, the barrier begins to dissolve. I am exhausted, drifting silently into a blissfull sleep - but in my mind I find I am scribbling furiously. So I get up. I am certain taht I will suffer for this when morining comes... but for now, it feels the absolute healthiest thing I could have done.

Our Visas came yesterday... After a "cross your fingers" kind of week, the Consulate called on Wednesday to say they were ready to approve us for up to 3 years of residency in South Africa - and she thought we'd like to know perhaps since we had been calling every day for a week!). I am so glad she phoned, and that I was home to answer... because she was all set and ready to mail our Visas and Passports back to Grand Rapids... which wouldn't have worked out so well. But, no worries. We now are passport and visa equipped for this next jaunt in our journey... which is approaching us so quickly.

It's not that I'm not ready to go to Italy. It's not like I want to wait even one more day to see my parents... but being here in NJ has been like any of the other number of times we visit Bill's parents. We slept in the same beds, saw the same people, visited the same favorite spots. Only now is it sinking in that we are not piling inot our van tomorrow to drive back to our home in Grand Rapids. In fact, I just gave my keys to Billy's sister so she can sell the car after we leave... tomorrow. I don't have a van. I've had that van since Avery was born. 8 years. I don't love it... but it has been teh constant backdrop to both our adventures and our every day. It has taken us to Vermont, Colorado, twice to Main, countless times to New Jersey and Missouri. But tomorrow it will begin its journey toward finding a new home - and I will continue my journey of leaving mine. Why does this suck the air out of my lungs for a moment? It can't possibly be a shock after dreaming and praying and questioningand planning for so long. And yet, I think emotionally, I just realized I'm not going home tomorow.

I'm so glad for Italy. That I'm visiting my parents there instead of some small town in Ohio or soemthing. The idea gives me this fresh air to inhale once I catch my breath again.... and I'm truly looking foward to boarding that plane in a few hours. To explore this magical place with my mom and dad who I miss so much.
An overnight flight to Munich.
I am going to do something I've never dreamed of doing before and I'm giving each of us a bit of a sleeping pill for the flight. Excitement and newness and uncomfortable seats will inevitably keep everyone awake for the night... and with a 7 hour layover the next day, we ALL need for ALL of us to have gotten some rest. I'm nervous. Not for the tiny bit of medication, but for the actuallity of a sleep deprived night on an airplane - and the reprecussions taht will bleed into our first days in Italy. Silly that I am worried about not sleeping tomorrow night when I am lying here awake now. Are there planes with beds at all ? that would be nice. Who sleeps sitting straight up in a tiny seat? We are each bringing our pillows... hoping against hope that they don't count as an extra carry on - because we are loaded. I'm looking my pillowcase now and remembering that Thya's friend, Katy, posed the singular sheep vs. plural sheep question the other day. How do you know the intent of the farmer whenhe says he's going to bring his sheep over for the weekend? The answer, of course, lien is the little pre-cursor "a".
Am I throwing sheep at you? or "A" sheep at you? Which makes me remember to wonder... what part of speech is "a" or "the" ? It is a defining word but not an adjictive. It can be used interchangably for, but is not a pronoun.
there has to be a SchoolHouse Rock song about it. What is an "a"?

Right now I need "a" sheep... or many sheep... to lull me off to sleep for an hour or two, although I woudl prefer eight. Seeing the clock shine 1 am I am doubting there will be enough to do justice to my exhustion. But somehow, even at the late hour, there is a satisfying release in writing that I will rest in - and I hope and pray that I learn just how to dicipline myself enough that I will create space to let the words flow freely... and consistantly enough that my mind doesn't have to force the moments past midnight again soon.

goodnight...