And we drove away.


Our last week in Grand Rapids was filled with intense beauty and terrible sadness. It was Shauna who said the words “If it didn’t hurt to leave here, it would mean that you didn’t live well in this place. “ Yes. I guess If I had to choose, I’d rather experience the pain of these goodbyes and know that I deeply love, and AM deeply loved… than to drive away void of emotion because I wasn’t really driving away from anything that mattered.

You need to know that you matter.

Our goodbye party was everything we had ever hoped it might be. 21 stealthy teams competing in a treasure hunt around our hometown – in and around some of our favorite places and city landmarks. I heard Schullers was not that pleased with more than a dozen phone calls asking what flags were hanging up in the young adult section. (Hogwarts – for those of you that are now curious… but don’t call! Trust me! They don’t think it’s funny any more! ) We were hiding in Jae and David’s van at the Trust Building downtown… right in between the Calder Plaza checkpoint and the VanAndel Museum clue… so we hunkered down in our borrowed van and watched as people we love zipped right past us, or ran down the block and into the Tavern across the street. Apparently Holley argued with the guys at the bar accusing them of being paid off to keep the next clue a secret and throw them off track. HA. Now THAT is good humor!

After the hunt, we all met at Urban Mill for sandwiches and soup and fancy drinks . 150+ of us drifting through the coffee shop. friends who we love from different moments of our lives curled up in comfy chairs talking to each other. Lots of goodbyes, lots of smiles, lots of stories. It was a celebration in the middle of our sadness. In fact, we were so overcome with joy, we almost forgot to be sad for an evening… and that was a gift. I haven’t even unloaded the pictures yet… Sunday was packing and Monday was driving… maybe my next post I’ll just share pictures from the evening… and I’m finding great shots on other people’s websites today. If you have any images, I’d love it if you sent them our way!

-the suitcases DID get packed… thanks to a long list of people who showed up at our house on Sunday night and got busy. No, really. THANKS to them. It was a joy each time the front door opened and new people walked through and new tears emerged on my cheeks. It was chaos at our house Sunday night, people everywhere, kids playing in empty rooms, pizza on paper plates all over the house, tears and duct tape ending up on every package. But everything got packed and cleaned and stored and accounted for. Jae was feeling more miserable than she has in years, but she came anyway, so she and I curled up on the couch truly grieving over our loss together while people scurried around us packing and sorting and letting us have our space together. I was so glad Jae came despite her misery. I am already missing her more than I can verbalize. My chest continues to seize into pain just thinking about leaving her and Grant and David.

At the end of the night, after most everyone had left, I found Jen snuggling on the big bed with Avery. Just the two of them having a quiet moment. I curled up next to Jen and there were just no words to say. It was midnight. The house was empty. The car was packed. We were leaving in just a few hours after a quick restless sleep. Madyline joined us in our snuggle and soon Brianna and Haleigh made their way into the growing pile. Christy found her way into the middle somehow and before we knew it, the boys had crawled onto the big bed too – Adam, Brian, Eli, Billy and Harrison too. … all piled on the big bed that we have slept on for 13 years. All of us laughing at the absurdity of the moment, and loving the preciousness of the moment. Christy getting squished down on the bottom of the pile. Brian certain that his sternum had cracked under the weight. At one point, Eli wriggled out from his spot and sprinted down the hall before turning around with a gleam in his eye and taking a running leap onto the top of the pile … arms spread wide as he landed and everyone squealed under the impact. It’s was after midnight and one by one we untangled ourselves from the heap and said our goodbyes. These people we have lived life with through babies and vacations and deaths and disappointments and celebrations... we've watched our children grow together and fear that they will forget that they are "almost cousins" with each other in our absence. We said goodbye at 1:oo in the morning because we had to cling on to every moment (well, and because we were working almost that long). And then they drove away.

We are in New Jersey now. In a two bedroom apartment on the 6th floor, listening to my kids playing with their grandparents in the living room. The sun is shining and I went to visit my best friend, Trader Joe, today. He sent me home with chocolate covered dry-roasted edemame beans and Greek yogurt. It’s all part of the healing process my friends. Jen and Brian are coming up for a work conference next week and Jen and I get an entire day in NYC by ourselves. For now, I am resting. We didn’t even get dressed yesterday, I read an entire book instead. Today I feel more run down than ever which, I am certain, is the result of three weeks of intense physical and emotional chaos. We need this time to rest before South Africa. Thank you God for this gift.

We’ll be here until February 3, when we fly out to visit my parents for a couple weeks. Well, that is the hope at least. We got a call from the South African Consulate today. Apparently they are “missing” some documents in our visa applications. Luckily Billy scanned in all our documents and so he’s able to print out copies of our criminal history records instead of our having to drive all the way back to GR tonight to stand in line for new ones. They also want to see Jeanetta’s signature on a document she signed AND they would appreciate four more packets filled out for each member of the family (and $300 more dollars) instead of just the one family application we were originally told we needed. Thank you God for fax machines, overnight Fed-ex and the extra money friends of ours slipped in to a donation bucket at our goodbye party.

For now, can we all agree to say that We haven’t left, we are just continuing the journey. Thank you for choosing to join us. It’s a long road and we love the company.