Yes, we picked him up at the airport yesterday.
Yes, we ate dinner at our favorite Thai place with good friends.
Yes, he slept hard last night and has been a bit groggy today.
Yes, he has many pictures and stories and even videos.
Yes, we will share.
Yes, we've already called South Africa twice today to send our love to people he left.
Yes, we feel melancholy and also anxious to be there.
Yes, we are thankful to be here with you for the present.

Yesterday, in the airport, I hugged Bill(y) with the deep, soulful hug you can only know if you have been separated from your dearest for a long , long time. I nuzzled into his neck and murmured "It is so good to have you home." And he held me closer and said "It is good to be back together where we belong, but I'm not sure this feels like home any more."
mmmmm. I get it. And it overwhelms me. And it excites me.
We are moving to South Africa.
The momentum is building.
But we are still waiting on God. On funding. On our house to sell.
Details. That's all they are... the big parts are solid and sure.

Last night, Billy was sound asleep under 4 blankets (it is a bit colder here than it was in South Africa - he even has a tan!) and I found myself literally falling apart with big chinks crashing from my soul.... all I wanted to do was curl up next to him and cry. I had to be strong for so long and I got to release some of that to him. Yes, I have a great new empathy for single parents... it is lonely. It is difficult to find energy and creativity to handle the difficult moments. And we had difficult moments over the past month. Beautiful moments too... let's not discount those. But on the whole... it was a tricky month and we found ourselves having to circle the wagons to be healthy. Just spending our days making a fire in the fireplace and bringing in as much intentional peace and strength as we could muster. We prayed a lot. We snuggled a lot. We were quiet a lot. We celebrated together by going to the movies, and skating, and getting a christmas tree. We visited with Thya and Elise who came all the way from Seattle to love on us while Billy was gone. But to be able to do this... we had to simply focus on ourselves for awhile... because that was enough.
Which led Billy and I into a conversation today about asking for help.
He was disappointed that I didn't ask for help more often.
And I admitted that even though I promised I would... I found myself with an "it's not an emergency, we'll be alright. I can be strong" kind of attitude... that lead to a lot of isolation and loneliness.
But I am curious when that shout out needs to come.
Honestly.
We never got hungry.
In fact, we still have groceries in the house.
We have heat and wood for the fireplace and we finally figured out how to start a fire.
Nothing is broken... well, that isn't entirely true. Both of our cars are dead - but I DID call and ask a friend to help fix them (which worked for an extra weekend)... and another friend to let us borrow her car for a little while. See, I did call and ask for help then.
So, where is the line that fluctuates between ... I don't NEED help... but I'd like you to be a part of this with me. I don't' NEED you to drop everything and come over... but I really am lonely. I don't NEED grocery money... but I still don't know how we are going to pay our basic bills this month with Billy gone. And how do you vocalize that?

There is a HUGE list of family love from the past few weeks though... I'm a terrible lister...but I'll try... as much for my sake as yours. I need to put it all together and remember. I need to see with my own eyes that I was only able to be strong while he was away because of other people.

- two friends taking their Sunday afternoon to try and fix my van. It ended up working for the weekend when Thya and Elise were here, which was perfect since we needed the 6 seats to get around. But as we were coming home on Sunday, it died again. Perfect timing, if there is such a thing as a perfect time for your car to die, because we had gotten to do everything together we were hoping we'd get to do.

-another friend letting me borrow her Volkswagen for a few weeks. And it happens to be a stick shift. I have to learn to drive a stick shift to survive in South Africa anyway... so what a blessing to get to learn here in the safety of Michigan roads as opposed to Johannesburg!

- a family we love decided to direct their tithe to our family for the month.
- another family we know slipped us cash and gas cards a few times over the month.
- Brian brought us hard wood, and stacked it near the back door so we could get to it easily
- a gift card to our local health food store showed up on my counter after a friend came to snuggle on my couch and bring me a wool sweater.
- another friend let me borrow her sewing machine.
- a friend brought me my favorite goodies from Trader Joes! Now, THAT is true love!
- Avery and I had a girls night out at a Rosie Thomas concert!
- we were invited over for an afternoon and wonderful evening out - and strung popcorn and cranberries to bring home and put on our tree. It was a lovely evening sitting in front of a fire relaxing and talking.
- We shared Thanksgiving with friends.
- Katie and Rylie came all the way into town just to go roller skating with us.
- Adam called me almost every day for those first couple of weeks.
- Billy's mom and dad sent us a surprise check in the mail.
- Thya and Elise came and celebrated life with us, and with our friends, who included them like family.
- and another family that we care about slipped us some money and said something that will be forever part of my story...
first off he said as he held out the cash and I subconsciously shoved my hands into my pockets "I'm not going to put this down on your counter, you have to take it with your own hands because you need to learn to receive well." Then he went on to say that he felt like God wanted to let me know that often we feel like we have to sacrifice to serve God well. That we have to scrimp and go without, it is all a part of following God. But it isn't necessarily true. That God wants me to know that he is most glorified, he is most put on display when he is lavishly supplying for his children. That is when he gets to show off and celebrate with his children. And that he IS supplying for us.. here today and in the future, He already has us covered and we will learn to receive that as it comes. But He is already preparing for us.

Yes, yes. I know this is true. I can see it even today.