Another notch in the adventure...

Well, we are back at our old home. It has been generously scraped and painted and carpeted and cleaned out entirely... so we moved back in. It feels good in a strange sort of mixed up way. We didn't plan on living back here... we thought it might be sold already, we hoped we might be in South Africa already. Instead we are here, in the US, at our old house, growing tomato plants (which look amazing by the way), taking time with the people we love, and listening for God's continuing voice till sometimes my heart hurts.

We've already given everything away... just a few weeks ago in a huge garage sale. I purged deeply... knowing we could buy another cake pan or more towels when we return from Africa. I don't miss having those kinds of things... we are enjoying using as little as possible. Kind of wondering why we had it all in the first place. But it is awkward.

I did have to buy glasses and plates and three mixing/serving bowls. And our neighbor lent us cereal bowls. We need window coverings and a cutting board... I'm only sad because we just sold all these things at our garage sale for a quarter at most.

We are finally using the beautiful wooden spoons we bought when we were visiting Africa. They have sat, getting dusty, unused for the past year. Why? Maybe I thought they were too beautiful to be used. Whatever that means. They are wooden spoons... crafted to be used. I was satisfied serving soup out of them last night.

We had to buy a new(used) washing machine... and are looking for a new(used) stove... ours are both broken. I don't mind doing that because someone will buy this house soon and they will need appliances to make this their home. I don't mind buying them a stove that works. But knowing that Billy's job is coming to an end soon... that our income is coming to an end soon... but our house payments will continue on... it makes it hard for me breathe in deeply that we have to replace major things. We won't even talk about our van right now.

But it is good to be back in our home. The first thing Madyline did was turn on the music in the living room and dance. Ah, it felt good to my soul to see her in this moment of bliss.
We have had people over for play dates and sleepovers.
I have cooked feasts on the stove top burners (which work if you light them with a match).
We have snuggled in the living room and read our bedtime stories.
We have stayed up late talking.
We have woken up late in the morning.
We have hung out all day in our pajamas... reading and playing board games and hide & seek.

It's been a week of paradox. I've been depressed... it feels like we are loosing so many things and being pushed back farther from South Africa instead of continuing to walk closer toward it. That is confusing....
But I've been glad to lie on my couch and snuggle my babies and know that we are safe and together . I've been glad to make journals with them and walk into the woods and spend time writing again... even if for just a few minutes. I've been glad to talk to some of you. Lay out my heart.. or just not speak at all but sit together. I've been glad to leave the kids at home in bed and take a long, beautiful walk with Billy. And cry and yell and wonder and dream and get a strawberry milkshake and hold hands and come back home feeling better than I had.

I don't have it all figured out yet. But I guess that isn't a prerequisite for following this God of ours. All that is really required of us is trusting in Who He is. And if we have that.... then faith is what kicks in for all that we don't understand. Faith that Who He is ... is strong enough to make up for all that I don't understand. Because is it really about me understanding? Or about me simply being okay with whatever comes... and following.